A big part of any long distance relationship is the question of "when?". When will you be reunited? Will it be a visit? Or when will you finally be together in the same place, with no return ticket needed. For J and I, this question of "when?" has been answered. But no one talks about the struggles after you move. For me, moving across the world seemed like the best thing to do, but of course there has been days, times, thoughts, where I've wondered if I did the right thing. It's so difficult to pack up and leave all that you know to start fresh somewhere. But it is doable, and if you need a reminder that it's ok to not feel ok, consider this post just that.
Since I moved in January 2023, I have struggled with a lot of things. And looking back over the months, I remember the good more than the bad, but I know the struggles were there, were real, and sometimes still pop up again when I least expect them. I miss my family. My mom. My sister. My cat. I miss the house I grew up in and the area I know by heart. I miss having a car and sometimes I even miss my old job. And that's going to happen. Somedays I am randomly hit by these feelings, and other times they're prompted. It's little things, big things, and everything in between. My anxiety and guilt feel worse somedays than others. I worry about my family. About whether I did the right thing moving. About my life here. Finding friends and staying connected with ones back home. I even start to feel sad and guilty when I realize I maybe haven't missed home enough. It's a weird thing. I put a lot of pressure on myself to feel, act, and look a certain away to those back home. And it's something I'm working on changing to better myself. There's so much pressure when you move abroad. And yes, some of it might be your own doing. But I feel like there's pressure to not disappoint. To find a job. To settle in. Make friends. Learn the area. Feel at home. When really, it's ok to not do these things immediately. It's hard to feel settled and like you've found your place in only a few months; especially when you've moved away from somewhere you've always lived. I've felt intense pressure to look, feel, and do my best in every aspect of my life here in Scotland as if I need to prove myself to anyone and everyone around me. And that's not true. I've made it here and that was the biggest step I had to take. Reflecting on where I've come from and how I got here is a big help in giving myself a pat on the back and saying, "It's ok".
I don't want this post to come across as complaining or moping. Because it really isn't. It's meant to be a reminder to anyone out there who is struggling with long distance, the what-ifs, and the anxieties after you've moved, that it's ok to not feel ok. There's nothing wrong with it. I mean, being in a long distance relationship is hard enough. To then move your life to be with this person is a massive change and you're going to feel it, no matter how prepared you think you are. It's a change to your relationship and your living situation. It might be a change in culture or region. It's a change to how your day-to-day looks and getting back to finding your normal can be tough. Somedays you might go to bed thinking things are the worst, and other nights will feel like you're right where you should be. The most important thing is to speak up when needed, reach out to those you feel comfortable talking to, and looking into professional help if you believe you need it. Checking in with your mental health during a move abroad is really important and finding what works for you will be beneficial in the long run.
At the end of the day, I'm happy here in Scotland with J. There's things that I maybe can't change right now or that I don't think anyone else will understand. And that's ok. I still reach out. I still communicate with J, my family, and my friends. I have plans from A to Z of what I can do in different situations. I'm looking forward to what the future holds here for me here in Scotland. And I think that coming to terms with not always having to feel ok has helped a lot. If you're ever in a situation where you feel pressured to feel your best, to feel settled, or to feel like you need to perform a certain way, just know: it's ok to not be ok. There's other posts on this blog that go through this same process. It's a message I really want to drive home to anyone going through a LDR, or considering one, or maybe unexpectedly finding yourself in one with your partner. Putting the pressure on yourself, your partner, and your relationship to be perfect and settled in the months following a move is too much. There will be bumps in the road but you can always change your route. Things will be ok, even if it feels like an eventually rather that right now.
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